What do men do after sex?
2% ~ eat
3% ~ smoke
4% ~ take a shower
5% ~ go to sleep
86% ~ go home to their wives
There is nothing so comfortable as money, - but nothing so defiling if it be come by unworthily; nothing so comfortable, but nothing so noxious if the mind be allowed to dwell upon it constantly. If a man have enough, let him spend it freely. If he wants it, let him earn it honestly.
Pure genius, Tiger Woods quitting golf indefinitely. They will beg him to go on tour within 2 years and promote it as the biggest comeback in golf history. The hype will be worth $100 million easy.
Speaking of hype, I need to make a personal confession; I can't live with it any longer. I gave Tiger tail... fell in love with a sex machine and he left me for greener pastures.
I'm available for Oprah next Thursday through Christmas.
I can't believe some of the things I read these days. I mean really, how in the hell does a 98 year old woman kill her 100 year old roomate because she didn't like sharing her room. All women are da debil...
It doesn’t surprise me how many thousands of women in America have beautification procedures, but what does surprise me is how many so-called glamorous actresses have had plastic surgery and how they looked before… I couldn’t stop watching the slideshow!
Thursday afternoon at the Christmas party was the first time I experienced a "one hitter". I had no idea they made these specialty coffee makers that brew one damn good coffee at a time, and very quickly. Of course, it's just a novelty for me since the least amount of coffee I ever drink in a sitting is half a pot.
I occasionally toy with the idea of having hidden video cameras installed at my home and office, but never actually made a serious effort to investigate the options or costs. After watching this video of a homeless woman living above a guy’s kitchen, I am reevaluating my indecision.
And finally, the moment we have all been waiting for! Liberals admitting the fall of free enterprise in the insurance industry through 0bamacare. The Huffington Post published an article titled, "How a Few Private Health Insurers Are on the Way to Controlling Health Care". So much for competition in the marketplace...
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."
The love of my dreams, Megyn Kelly was on old man O'Reilly's Factor last night and I about fell out of my chair. She's changed! I would bet good money she had a procedure on her eyes or nose while she was out on maternity leave. She is still smoking hot, but something's different.
Attended a Christmas party in Denton yesterday with a room full of accountants, attorneys,their assistants and their clients. I said Merry Christmas to an old boy who looked like a college professor and he wished me back a "Happy Hanukkah" and "Happy Winter Solstice". You can guess how well I fit in to that crowd...
Just when I thought Tiger was in the clear, they leak a damn sex tape. The guy just doesn't have a chance...
McMike sent me an email requesting that I send the ACLU a Christmas card on December 20th, not a day sooner or later. It went on to say that 2 tons of mail would shut down their operations for a week or two.
'Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" inside the envelope not on it. Here's the address, please don't be rude or crude: ACLU, 125 Broad Street, 18th Floor, New York , NY 10004.' Not a half bad idea... sounds like something a liberal would do.
I can't help but appreciate someone sharing their feelings of holiday spirit! It's refreshing to know that others share my sick sense of humor...
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!"
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.
The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"
I don’t understand why Americans aren’t screaming from the mountaintops over the “Safe schools czar” promoting his homosexual agenda in our schools. There is such a stench coming from this administration that someone like me, who wallers around in shit, is sickened by the 0bamination.
Talk about giving lessons in flip-flopping. Last year the President supported Americans purchasing cheaper drugs overseas and in Canada, but now that he needs American pharmaceutical companies to support 0bamacare, he has changed his mind and against it. I think he wakes up in the morning and looks out his window to see which way the money is blowing before he supports something or someone...
If the odor isn't bad enough for you, yesterday, nine days after escalating the war in Afghanistan, President 0bama received the Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't think it is possible to make this look more liberal rigged...
He has been inferring it to be a "just war" and "on humanitarian grounds". I have never, ever heard of any war ever being just. I don't believe there is any such thing. Please correct me if I'm wrong...
Do you think it's a coincidence that while President 0bama is in Norway, Russia lobs an ICBM over the country? And they say it's a failed missile...
Ruskie sunzabiches can't hit shit!
Now that TARP has run its course and bankers don't need it anymore, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner wants to extend it into late 2010. Okay, let me get this straight, the treasury doesn't need it any more to bailout businesses; they/we are paying interest because TARP is all borrowed; and now they want to keep it so they can spend it elsewhere without special congressional approval? Sounds reasonable to me...
Geithner and Bernake won't tell us where Stimulus and other treasury funds are going, now he wants $150 billion more to spend at his discretion?
Attention Kmart shoppers and world leaders: "Default on loans coming very soon. Be prepared and buy your gift cards today!"
If you think our politicians are crazy, the Brits have gone out of their mind by proposing a 50% tax on bankers' bonuses. A politician telling a banker how to run his business is like Satan telling God how to run heaven.
I've gotta stop now, I have to go get a breath mint so I can throw up...
Why is it when I ask a woman a question, they can't just answer it? I believe if a man and woman had to make a trip to China, they would each take a different route. The man would go straight to China and the woman would zig zag there... shopping along the way.
It reminds me of sex. Women want love, romance, intimacy, caressing, foreplay... Men just want to orgasm and go golfing...
I have been invited to attend a Christmas party this afternoon in Denton by my favorite accountant. I think I may have been invited to provide comic relief... I'll take a box of condoms and place them randomly around the office area and restrooms, that should loosen things up a bit!
Silicone Alligator is attending with baby alligator. I love children, infants especially. Innocence is so attractive...
Tuesday evening before dark a big black cloud moved over me at a high rate of speed and descent. It was rather erie... But we're not the only ones witnessing strange things in the sky recently...
Ladies, don’t ever say I have never done you a favor! If you are looking for a great gift to give your guy, look no further than here!
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around.
After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f#@king brakes on that truck."
Captains log: Star date 12.08.2009 ~ 16:30 hours
For the second time in a week, I've had a company call, telling me I'm 2 months behind on a payment. Both times their records were wrong and both times my checks had already cleared the bank.
It looks like those big bankers have cut back on their data entry workers and the jobs aren't getting done.
Tuesday afternoon, a lady from a large mortgage company called me at work about my house payment being late. She wanted to know if I was prepared to pay her over the phone. I asked her if she could stay on the line while I checked on the status.
I was very angry! So I called my billpayer, Mrs. Crane, and asked, not so nicely, if she made the payment. She verified the date & check #. I called the bank, verified the amount, check # and the date it cleared. All this time, the debt collector listening to every unkind thing that came out of my mouth.
Now I was livid...so damn mad I had to get up and walk around with the phone. After I told this bill collecting cow my check had cleared over 2 weeks ago, she had an "ah ha!" moment. She said there must be a problem in the company for that to happen; which I laughingly agreed. But I wasn't quite finished...
I asked her why she would call me up at my work and ask me for money I had already paid! She repeated that her company has a problem. I told her that I now have a very serious problem; that this episode had stirred up a bunch of shit between Mrs. Crane and I. So I decided to cut my losses there and simply asked the lady that "her POS company never call me at work again".
Moral of the story: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse! Damn, I don't want to go home now...
Ask Men.com just came out with their Top 99 Women ~ 2009 Edition, and I really like how they do it. I think they missed the number one spot by a mile. But I'm sure if any one of those women walked in my office and shut the door, she could negotiation whatever position she wanted...
Today, I realized that Barack 0bama and I have something in common. He and I are alike in that we could both fill a volume of encyclopedias with what we do not know about humility.
I have found a couple of apps on my iphone that improve my quality of life. First, there is an app that I find invaluable for effective time management. It's called "Fake Calls" and when I'm talking on the phone, I can activate it and my phone starts ringing where they can hear it. This allows, me to say, "I've got another call, gotta go" and say goodbye. Now that I've used it, I would pay $20 if they forced me to buy it! Some people like to talk alot, I'm not one of them.
Then there's the "Voice Memos" app. This is very helpful with remembering stuff. I especially like it when I pull an epiphany out my arse and want to remember it. Very helpful for someone suffering from mad cow...
For the first time since keeping a monthly record (22 years), Social Security has been broke for cash 6 months straight. Do you think they will increase our withholding payments? This is the same government that's gonna be in charge of our healthcare...
I just read that Tiger lost his Gatorade endorsement. I bet there will be 10 energy drinks in line to sign him up. With his ravenous appetite for continuous copulation, if he endorsed a new energy drink, every well-stocked bar in America would sell it. I'm not so sure that energy is the only boost they want.
The point in a romantic relationship when pictures of the couple begin to appear on Facebook, and or when the relationship status changes to "In a relationship".
"It looks like Kat has made it to Face base with that new guy."
"Yeah his picture is all over her profile now."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Oprah has reportedly reached out to Tiger to have him on her show. It would be the highest ratings of any TV show in history. She has her work cut out if she gets him on. It would take his attorney weeks to draw up the contract to limit the discussion, which she would ignore once he's on her couch! It's like two superpowers negotiating nuclear disarmament.
Personally, I would let his agent know that if Tiger chooses not to do the show, I would have every single woman he's had an affair with on the show...and that could last months!
Mindy Lawton says Tiger liked to have rough sex and pull her hair, as well as being a 12 as a sex buddy. But even more disturbing to me is what would possess him to choose her as a partner? Did he need a nag to go with his stable of show ponies? This is the closest thing to a money shot this woman will ever experience.
Tiger would have saved a lot of money and embarrassment if he would hired a pro. Smart, wealthy men know it's always cheaper to pay as you go. Just ask Bill Clinton...
This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. A time lapse video of a guy trapped in an elevator for 41 hours…with diarrhea! Brother, I feel your pain...
Her Majesty has posted the video below on her blog and I guess she thought no one would notice. I have known for quite some time she was abusive, but I had no idea she had a sense of humor... you go girl, save a dollar to stuff in my g-string!
A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."
The New York Times reports that death threats against President 0bama have leveled off to what the Secret Service considers normal. I understand that the SS has to investigate all these threats, but personally, I don’t fear those who threaten me near as much as I fear those who don’t. Does that make sense?
Am I the only one who finds it amusing that the President announced a withdrawal date to pull the troops out of Afghanistan and now his staff is crawfishing for him; saying the date is just the start of transferring power to Afghan troops and the process will be slow.
So much for appeasing his liberal anti-war supporters, or should I say "former supporters". Liberals and conservatives do have one thing in common: neither like to be patronized and fed phony promises!
If I'm not mistaken, this is the week our President signs away American sovereignty to the Eurotrash in Copenhagen and gives them control of our environmental laws. Even though several countries will sign the treaty, when it comes time to control their land, most countries will tell them to shove their rules up their ass, in a nice way of course. This is the one world government coming to fruition. Why else would we allow the laws of another land supersede our own?
Not only are Tiger’s many women coming out of the closet, they say, on a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a 12 in bed; and he likes it rough. That’s hard for me to believe since he doesn’t play in the rough often…
Makes me wonder if those gals handicapped him on water hazards and sand traps... I'm sure the East German judge scored him poorly.
And finally, the question I cannot stop asking... Considering the expert endowment of Tiger's tutelage, were any of these women seeded?
Is 0bamacare unconstitutional? What world-class legal team will take our government to court over it? Surely several firms are jockeying for position, there are millions in legal fees to be gleaned from the fight, who will lead the charge? I want to send them a check…
Speaking of checks, what happens when the world stops taking ours?
Talk about a shining example of the most transparent administration ever, the Associated Press reports, “A workshop on government openness is closed to the public.”
I had a very hauntingly evil thought, which made me smile. What would happen if our military went on strike? After the prosecution of the Navy Seals for allegedly roughing up a terrorist, I really couldn’t blame them if they did. They are paid less, abused more and place themselves at more risk than any American worker outside slave labor.
Don't the politicians know that the military is the only thing keeping those corrupt bastards in power? Keep pushing them Congress, nobody likes to fight against the U.S. Armed Forces...
The workers of Denmark know how to overcome a political boycott at the Climate Change Summit! 'Copenhagen Mayor Ritt Bjerregaard sent postcards to city hotels warning summit guests not to patronize Danish sex workers during the upcoming conference. Now, the prostitutes have struck back, offering free sex to anyone who produces one of the warnings.'
I wonder if the carbon footprint of 1200 limos and 140 private planes at the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit will be discussed and condemned or just overlooked ?
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees, but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, but more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, pray too seldom, and watch too much TV.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space, we've done larger things, but not better things, we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice, We write more, but learn less, plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not wait, we have higher incomes, but lower morals, more food, but less appeasement, more acquaintances, but fewer friends, more effort, but less success.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, tall men, and short character, steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare, more leisure and less fun, more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce, of fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.
Today, many want to gain the world at the "mere" expense of their souls.
Evil is contemplated and performed with both hands, yet we cannot lift a finger for our fellow man.
May God have mercy on our souls. Pray without ceasing. Let each of us examine our own ways.
Dr. Bob Moorehead
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.
It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.
I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
Ben Stein from CBS Sunday Morning 12/18/05
While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground.
“That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.
“He’s a fine looking boy” the man said. “That’s my daughter on the bike in the white dress.”
Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter. “What do you say we go, Melissa?”
Melissa pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.”
The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart’s content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. “Time to go now?”
Again Melissa pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.”
The man smiled and said, “OK.”
“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.
The man smiled and then said, “Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Melissa.
She thinks she has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I get five more minutes to watch her play.”