On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right.. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."
Saturday, February 27, 2010
dead cat bounce
Investor slang; a brief recovery in the price of a falling stock. Term is derived from the idea that "even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from a great height."
I tried to buy GX on the dead cat bounce but got burned.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Also known as 'BBF'; a friend whom you have very little in common with and you act on your best-behavior when you're with.
A best-behavior friend does not typically know the extent of your true character or transgressions because you misrepresent the truth to make yourself look good or innocent. A person with a best-behavior friendship may see the friendship as important or long-standing and so lying about situations or leaving out key facts becomes common.
After a night of dancing, Meg found herself secretly having drunk sex with her best friend's ex-boyfriend. Meg went for lunch the next day with her best-behavior friend Rachel and when Meg recounted her night to Rachel, the sexual elements were removed.
For the ultimate in bad taste, you can check out season two’s slideshow preview of “16 and Pregnant”. Brought to us by the ultimate in bad taste broadcasting, MTV.
Whitney Houston isn’t performing as well as she has in the past. A fan said it was "the worst concert I've ever gone too,".
If you ever wondered about a guy who used certain girl stuff, here’s the short, short list of items that should create concern of the highest order!
The heartwarming video of the day is a thief who gets knocked out cold by a store owner. It warms the heart!
If you thought you had a professor who was a jerk, you might redefine your terminology after watching this
dickguy. I would have drawn blood…
A lesson on getting even with a greedy bank. A Moscow, Ohio homeowner bulldozes his home before he let’s the bank foreclose on it.
What do you get when you have a liberal accusing conservatives of being on the take? A FUNDRAISER! This is the pot calling the kettle black!
I have never met a single Republican who is not a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry. But as for me, I'm not owned by anyone.
To prove it to the Republicans and special interest, I'm organizing 2,000 grassroots donors to stand up and show them that we won't back down, and they can't silence us.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
The practice of distracting others in a manner assuring that neither party gets any work done.
We were both working on our papers but then she started chatting with me on Facebook and it was mutually assured distraction after that.
What does an attractive, successful, young actress wear on her 16th birthday? I’ve seen crap look better than Dakota Fanning…
For the adventurous traveler, here are some of the most unusual hotels in America.
Talk about the un-American way, here are some tips to avoid overspending. I especially like the one that says, “If you don’t shop, you don’t buy. Stay out of stores.” Try telling your wife that!
A poor Indian tribe in North Dakota has recently had a stroke of good karma when billions of barrels of oil were discovered on their land. The $60-$70 million in U.S. aid is now small potatos compared to their windfall.
What is wrong with these politicians? RNC chairman Michael Steele is spending twice as much as his predecessors on a lavish lifestyle, compliments of Republican contributors. I called it “entitled out the a$$”!
Now this is how you clean house. Rhode Island school leaders fire every teacher after being unable to get the teachers union to go along with implementing some changes.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
So tell me then, how does this make you feel?
The very first store that you come to when you walk from the lobby of the into the shopping area had this sign posted on their door at Harwin Central Mall In Houston. The shop is run by Muslims.
planes into the twin towers.
We're not in a religious war?
EDIT: So I get a comment telling me to follow this link to Snopes. The sign is real. The date is real. Imam Ali is not a modern day terrorist but a 7th century religious figure. The date was just a coincidence... MY A$$!
A disruption of the normal thought process, normally by an external distraction. This occurs most often at times where mental focus is a necessity. Cognitus interruptus sometimes leads to procrastination, leading to further cognitus interruptus and creating a cycle. Not to be confused with coitus interruptus, which is something entirely different.
Constant cognitus interruptus in my classes kept me from passing finals.
Sex offenders move over! You may not be the most vilified criminals in California. Animal abusers are getting their own shit list!
How long before we get electricity in a box? It looks promising!
If you think your commute to work is bad, offer to trade with this guy. He drives 1,000 miles a week to and from work.
And for all of you tree huggers and animal lovers, here’s a heartwarming video of a mother and her young. They would love to be in your home…
Republicans turn their backs on conservatives and vote for another jobs bill. This one is only $15 billion; it’s less than 1% of the $1.6 Trillion that Congress has already appropriated, but who’s counting?
Just in time to buy votes for the election in November and make Republicans look bad!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Now that Tiger has given a public apology, his mistresses want a personal apology as well.
Wouldn’t it be priceless if Tiger said something like, “I’m sorry you spread your legs for a rich, famous married man. I sincerely hope you find someone more deserving than me to whore around with…”
The New York Times talks about the “new poor”. I believe there will be many more “new poor” people before this administration is finished.
Here’s something you don’t see everyday, Natalie Portman getting peed on in public.
This could be the safest house in the world. At $7.25 million, it should be. I wish I had the means.
If you don’t think drag racing is dangerous, ask the woman in the stands who was killed by a rouge tire on Sunday… forget it, she wouldn’t talk to you anyway!
New York Times reports on the long-term unemployed and offers sympathy for what they consider "the new poor".
I was standing in line at the Pizza Hut the other night and noticed they were short handed. Making polite conversation with a lady standing beside me, I asked the question, “Why would any business be shorthanded with so many people out of work?”
Her answer addressed my question so profoundly that it continues to come to mind every time I read an article advocating extending unemployment benefits. She let me know she was unemployed and her unemployment check paid her more than working full time at the Pizza Hut and that she was better off financially by not taking a job.
This answer changed my opinion on unemployment in America and has made me reevaluate my position on the jobless in our country. I first defined my own values and beliefs if I were to lose my job. Here is what I came up with:I do not believe
I deserve your sympathy because I lost my job
I am too good to work at the Pizza Hut
I am too good to walk or ride a bike to work
I should maintain my current standard of living if I lose my job
our government is responsible to find me a job
I am entitled to own my own home if I can’t afford it
I have the right to bitch about our government if I didn't exercise my right to voteI do believe
The best way to appreciate what I have is to lose it
I am responsible to get off my ass and do something, not stay home and watch Oprah.
I should scale down my expenses
I should be made to take a drug test before being eligible for government aid
our government has created this catastrophe in order to make Americans more dependent on government aid
politicians and news media are sympathetic because it sells papers and buys votes
You are welcome to disagree with my beliefs, but they are mine and I’m not pushing them off on anyone. You are welcome to feel as entitled as you wish, but I believe this entitlement attitude is bullshit and will be the downfall of our country.
For those Americans who do feel entitled to a great job, an unending unemployment check, owning a home, eating out 2-10 times a week, cable TV, high speed internet, tobacco, alcohol, new clothes, ect… just remember that 50 years ago, these items were either non existent or an expensive luxury.
Our grandparents worked much harder for so much less than we do today. They bought clothes at garage sales, raised vegetables in a garden, stayed home and played games for entertainment, cooked almost all their meals themselves and never complained that they didn’t have enough. They even shared what they had with the less fortunate; and ironically, by today’s standards, they would be the ones considered less fortunate.
So go ahead America, blame your situation on someone else. Expect your government to come to your rescue. Scream to the mountains about your rights as an American and how mistreated you are because you don’t have a job. See if it helps…
If there is only one thing I could leave you and hope you would remember is “attitude is everything”. If you expect someone to bail you out instead of bailing yourself out, be prepared for disappointment.
'At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.'
Job 1: 20-22
Please pray for America, she needs our prayers. God isn’t very happy with her because His children have turned away. He’s in the process of getting our attention…
Sunday, February 21, 2010
A reply posted when someone puts a status on facebook, myspace, etc. Sarcastically shows that you care, and are going to write the status down in a notebook, when you really dont care at all about the status.
John Smith is goin to the movies
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed.
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So God, please listen when I cannot speak,
And hold my hand through school, all week.