When someone retires from a legendary television franchise, passes the torch to a worthy successor. Then he gets bored and starts a new show which sucks and then asks for their old job back by firing the successor.
He's a leno giver
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!
Friday, January 22, 2010
These were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. 'You know, stop lights don't come and redder than the one you just went through.'
2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
8. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.’
9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.'
When a woman wears a pair of tight jeans that makes her flab spill out over the waistband, just like the top of a muffin sits over the edge of the paper case.
Jeez, check out the Muffin Top on that chick! *shudder
Okay ladies, you want to know what men really think is romantic and what is not? Here’s some honest answers…
Is the tea party movement being taken over by greed and astroturfers?
New study links masturbation and prostate cancer... I might as well go ahead and take out that cancer policy I've been looking at
I find it rather humorous that after the Massachusetts massacre, Democratic Congressmen and women are throwing the President and his agenda under the bus. Talk about running for high ground...it's more like a stampede!
I predict Congress will begin blaming President 0bama instead of President Bush for all our problems. Of course, this will only happen in an election year...
I also predict that President 0bama will go back into campaign mode and start making promises to CHANGE DIRECTION...and just like his campaign promises, he won't keep them! I do hope I'm wrong...
Sorry about my post being late this morning... I fell asleep on the couch at 1 this morning writing this and forgot to set the schedule... I hate that when it happens.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The responsibilities of a boyfriend/husband to his girlfriend/wife to make attempts and succeed at seducing his mate.
Lucy: Ricky, you need to satisfy your seduciary responsibility in this relationship, I'm not feeling the romance.
Ricky: Yes dear.
Six somewhat brutal myths about what women want… Some are not very flattering.
The art of successfully dining alone… I’m an expert
It’s good to know a few common survival tactics that will get you killed …
Is there something wrong with the water at Lake Bridgeport that we don’t know about?
GRAPHIC & NSFW: The latest and greatest women’s sex toy is the p-pump. I know that no one who reads this blog owns a sex toy, but it helps to have a working knowledge of this stuff for random IQ tests...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man not very wise,
Uncertain of habit with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice the things that you do.
And forever is losing a sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me my wife is now dead.
I look at the future shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young guy still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years, all too few gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people, open and see.
Not a crabby old man! Look closer, see ME!!
Someone who texts on their cellphone in really inappropriate places, like movie theatres, concerts, plays, or during sex.
1. The movie was great, except right during the best scene, this text-hole in front of me lit up his phone and started texting away.
2. We were humping away, and she started texting her friend. She was a certified text-hole.
Female Olympian bobsledder has major wardrobe malfunction. This will definitely not help Adidas image with women!
More proof that treehuggers aren’t the sharpest pencil in the drawer…
You know ratings must be in the crapper if Martha Stewart gets on a stripper pole…
Talk about a misstatement! ESPN radio host Mike Greenberg slips and says, “Martin Luther Coon… Would you like to guess his shelf life?
I had doubts at first, but I now agree this actually is the most useless machine ever made.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Person who receives multiple degrees and keeps taking courses instead of holding a profession related to the degrees earned. Can be a compliment or an insult depending on the speaker.
Ex. 1: a compliment
"Man, I think you're so cool for writing a dissertation on Mesoamerican maize fertilization. You're a real professional student!"
Ex.2 an insult:
"Hey Jack, won't you get a real job and quit being a professional student?"
Definitely things women do on a date that are serious turn-offs… Like they really care anymore.
Here’s some things you may not have known about your dreams. I had no idea that blind people dream…
Even great skiers can have a bad day. A painful near-death experience is a small price to pay to get to ski dangerous mountains slopes, even when the slope is almost straight down.
Brutal honesty is not always politically correct
The trickle down effect… States are facing a massive budget crisis. Guess who’s next!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
I don't know exactly what type of animal the Chupacabra happens to be, but it definitely has some opossum characteristics. Actually, it looks like a opossum hooked up with a coyote and spawned a mutation. This may be the future of garbage disposal...
Downey looked good last night. He's back on his game. He is a brilliant actor that happens to possess an enormous amount of talent. It seems he has his demons at bay.
Would someone please tell me how Bill Clinton's presence in Haiti will help that nation. Is this not just another self-serving photo op to help boost his speaking fees? What an empty suit... I don't care what politician goes to Haiti, they just waste food and water that could be used for the people.
I found it very revealing when
Mrs.Martin Luther King's daughter got up to speak at the service honoring her late husbandfather this morning. She apologized that she wasn't able to recognize everyone. What really told the story was the first ones she recognized was the board of directors. MLK must be big business, even if non-profit. Undoubtedly, she gets a check, along with the rest of the directors. You're welcome to prove me wrong...
Here’s another scum-sucking liberal bureaucrat. Scott is a former chief U.N. weapons inspector, fierce Bush administration critic who likes to masturbate in front of 15 year old girls… h/t Jarhead
a refrigeration unit or freezer that resides in the garage
Vinny put the oversized manicotti tray in the guinea fridge after Christmas because the fridge in the kitchen was filled with other leftovers.
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend.
Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.
...a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.”
“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”
“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”
h/t da Comish
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The need or desire to use the same towel each time after showering. This may be a favorite towel with sentimental value, or the beach sized one that covers all your parts. This condition is frequently only suffered by one member of a family, causing much frustration upon finding that someone else has used "your" towel.
Boy: "Mom, where's my green towel?"
Mom: "It's in the wash, hon. I used it to dry off the dog earlier."
Boy: "Damn you, towel permanence. Now I cant shower."
A little child in church watched as the ushers passed the offering plate. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. 'Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five.'
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 'I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.' 'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?' 'Well,' said the little boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than to sit and listen.'
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service. 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.'
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.
BLITZ - The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
BLOCKING - Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH - The children's Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH - Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
COMMERCIAL - Announcements.
DRAFT CHOICE - The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY - What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE - The pews.
EXTRA POINT - What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER - What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER - The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY - Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME - Usually during the offertory when at least fourteen people decide they need to use the restroom.
HOLDING - Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT - What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION - Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE - Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES - When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.
PASS INTERFERENCE - A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK - How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
RAIN DELAY - Baptism
RED DOG - Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.
SUDDEN DEATH - The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE - What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
TIMEOUT - Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING - The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the Pastor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT - Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.