Church is like football

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.

BLITZ - The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING - Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH - The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH - Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL - Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE - The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY - What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE - The pews.

EXTRA POINT - What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER - What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER - The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY - Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME - Usually during the offertory when at least fourteen people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING - Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT - What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION - Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE - Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES - When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.

PASS INTERFERENCE - A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK - How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

RAIN DELAY - Baptism

RED DOG - Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.

SUDDEN DEATH - The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE - What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.

TIMEOUT - Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING - The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the Pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT - Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.