affection, she may become hostile...
Saturday, January 9, 2010
As opposed to a blind date, where you have no idea what the other person looks like, a nearsighted date is one where you've seen a photo or chatted via web cam before meeting in person.
This can often lead to disappointment if one person or the other has supplied misleading documentation.
"Well, I saw her profile pics on Facebook, so it was more of a nearsighted date than a blind date"
"That's the last nearsighted date I ever go on...her profile pic must have been 5 years, 3 hair colors and 2 kids ago."
"Went on a nearsighted date last night. The picture he emailed me must have been from before he quit the gym."
Friday, January 8, 2010
Oldie but goodie
HP vs M60
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq and Al Qaida continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America’s supply of Convenience Store managers and possibly Motel 6 managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States!
It's gonna get ugly folks!
When people are still saying Happy New Year, even though it's already a week after the new year. (Jan 5, 2010)...
person 1: happy new year!!! whats up??
person 2: more like happy late year... it was new years 5 days ago bro
Next time you feel the need to complain about the fine for a speeding ticket, this guy will be glad to trade. His was $290,000!
I believe these are some very simple things we can do to make our lives happier. Why are so many people too lazy to do them?
For some reason, the happiest people on earth may just happen to live in Costa Rica ...with monkeys, sloths and iguanas. Sounds reasonable to me.
I think every bride should be made to sign a statement that they have read and understand certain things that apply to almost every marriage.
About the time I think originality is dead in the world, someone shows me ordinary yet simple creativity. Kinda cool!
The human condition can be impossible or unbearable when oddities manifest in very unusual ways.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A time period that lags behind real time; that is created by letting the tivo build up enough to skip commercials.
Jim watches all the Raiders games in a tivo timezone. He turns his phone off to avoid any spoiler alert texts.
Gentlemen… never… ever… under any circumstances think you need to share any of these things with anyone but God or your therapist. No exceptions!
For those of you marking off travel on your bucket list, here are some of the top events for 2010, happening all over the world…
Although very un-American, I found it most interesting to learn the Top 10 Places You Can’t Go.
It never ceases to amaze me what people will do in the name of science. What a big ass!
I must admit I enjoy watching martyrdom in certain settings. Allah be praised!
Now that most governments, including the U.S., have run off American oil companies from drilling on their land, Chevron has ventured way out to sea and hit it really big. God bless American ingenuity!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
When you come back to school or work from your vacation and you can't remember what you did before your vacation.
Andy suffered from a bad case of vacation amnesia when he went back to school and couldn't remember what he had been learning before.
Job satisfaction in America is at a record low . Maybe it’s because Americans don’t like to work…
Did you know that if you yell at your wife in France you break the law? Freedom of speech, but not your tone! Dumbass liberals...
Ready for another upgrade to television? Some major networks are about to start broadcasting in 3D.
Just in case you haven’t see them, these are the most fantastic landscapes in the world.
I must agree that these are 7 things you should never go cheap on. A couple of them you should not go on at all…
Five new years resolutions you won’t keep!
I feel warm and fuzzy all over thinking about the transgender wo-man our President appointed as a Senior Technical Advisor to the Commerce Department.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
When there is so much work piled on your or your desk, movement from out from under it is nearly impossible.
Hey--pour me a drink! I worked up quite a thirst digging out from my work avalanche to get to happy hour.
So, you’re busted for dealing drugs and flee to Canada and hide out… only to be located and busted again because you can’t give up your online video game identity. Not too smart…
If you’re not sure your girl is a keeper, here are a few good indications. Just in case you were wondering…
Some girls provide signs that indicate you might want to throw her back and find another one. Never forget there are plenty of fish in the ocean.
In Russia, they actually have classes for women on how to get ahead, i.e. gold digging. Lessons include "How to Marry in Three Months" and "Oral Sex for Experts."
And if you actually don’t know how to stay single in 2010, here are some surefire ways to make it happen.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Let me get this straight. Under orders from Al Qaeda, a man attempts to detonate a bomb on an airplane over US soil and our Justice department chooses to treat him as a civilian and try him in civilian court.
Now he has lawyered up, and they had him shut up so they can cut a deal in exchange for information.
The longer the attorneys can hold out, the better the deal they can cut...
I wonder how many people could die waiting on intelligence information this man could share?
What happened to "We don't negotiate with terrorists"? Is that why we call them enemy combatants now?
I find myself agreeing with Dick Cheney on this one!
Some in the news media in England consider the Detroit terrorist bomber incident a failure by US intelligence worthy of Jimmy Carter's legacy.
So, what happens when freedom-seeking protestors take to the streets and demonstrate against their government? Iran called China who sent armored vehicles to fight the protestors.
Why is our government not condemning China's actions? Why are we not initializing sanctions against them?
Our politicians have their hands out, that's why! They want another loan! Or political contribution...
On the global warming front, 'Almost 250 children under the age of five died in a wave of intensely cold weather in Peru this July.’ Facing extinction?
When you're at a party and all you really want is to get some guacamole dip and chips, but one of your fellow party-goers is drunkingly blocking your path to the guac.
Sarah had gotten her drink and was ready to get some snacks, but unfortunately she was guac-blocked by Cody, who had moved between her and the food.
POOLVILLE, Texas, Jan. 3 (UPI) -- Authorities in Parker County, Texas, said 169 people were arrested and 114 roosters were seized during a raid of an area cockfight.
My feelings were hurt. I wasn't invited!
Guess what happens to the chickens...
Kei$ha has the most downloaded hit single for 1 week in music history. “TiK ToK” glamorizes girls getting drunk, partying and getting busted. Hope you pay attention to who your 14 year old idolizes...
The wealthy have an opportunity for a 50% tax break this year and this year only. All they have to do is die. In 2010, there is no death tax, aka inheritance tax.
Since assisted suicide has recently become legal in several states, some families are actually considering to take advantage of this windfall.
People justify murder, death and suicide when there are enough zeros, look at our own government.
I have a solution to the problem with airline security and the civil liberties of Americans. Allow the airlines (private enterprise) to operate their security any way they wish and let the consumer choose whichever airlines want.
I think you will find the ACLU attorneys paying more for tickets on the safest airline, even if they profile and do full body scans. I would...
Private enterprise is much better than the US government at implementing security, especially if it affects their profit.
If you don't believe me, look at the safest place in the world to board an airplane ... ISRAEL
Sunday, January 3, 2010
“As I’ve watched the events of the last few days it is clear once again that President 0bama is trying to pretend we are not at war. He seems to think if he has a low-key response to an attempt to blow up an airliner and kill hundreds of people, we won’t be at war.
He seems to think if he gives terrorists the rights of Americans, lets them lawyer up and reads them their Miranda rights, we won’t be at war. He seems to think if we bring the mastermind of Sept. 11 to New York, give him a lawyer and trial in civilian court, we won’t be at war.
He seems to think if he closes Guantanamo and releases the hard-core Al Qaeda-trained terrorists still there, we won’t be at war. He seems to think if he gets rid of the words, ‘war on terror,’ we won’t be at war. But we are at war and when President 0bama pretends we aren’t, it makes us less safe.
Why doesn’t he want to admit we’re at war? It doesn’t fit with the view of the world he brought with him to the Oval Office. It doesn’t fit with what seems to be the goal of his presidency — social transformation — the restructuring of American society. President 0bama’s first object and his highest responsibility must be to defend us against an enemy that knows we are at war.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus.'
If I were the Devil.....
I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world.
I would delude their minds into thinking that they had come from man's effort, instead of God's blessings.
I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around.
I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue.
I would convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership.
I would make it legal to take the life of unborn babies.
I would make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient.
I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more that human beings.
I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of His name was grounds for a law suit.
I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them.
I would get control of the media, so that every night I could pollute the mind of every family member for my agenda.
I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation.
I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable. If the family crumbles, so does the nation.
I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I would call it art.
I would convince the world that people are born homosexuals, and that their lifestyles should be accepted and marveled.
I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct.
I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for the naive.
I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional.
I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are."