Which one could you pull off?
And the best of all!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween Humor
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST!
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Pop term of the day: mantrum
mantrum
when a grown man throws a tantrum when he can't have his way.
Rick had a mantrum when he found out he couldn't have McDonald's for dinner
Urban Dictionary
Deep thought of the day
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
Ed Cunningham
Friday, October 30, 2009
Long Live the Queen!
Putting her age in perspective, I have a hard time grasping how difficult it must be to deal with politicians. She has aged gracefully considering!
h/t Betty Rubble
Unnecessary humor
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
Pop term of the day:
no offense
no offense
no offense
A phrase used to make insults seem socially acceptable.
"No offense, John, but your mom is a frickin whore."
"You've got huge biatch tits, Patrick... no offense."
Urban Dictionary
Of Interest
These are by far some of the most offensive Halloween costumes I’ve seen!
Is The Key to a Happy Marriage A Younger, Smarter Wife (and Sex)?
Kids watch an average of 28-32 hours of TV per
Is it discrimination to not employee someone because "the city wasn't ready to hire a white police chief"?
Amazing photos of couple who survived being pinned in bed by a car for almost an hour!
Deep thought of the day
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.
Doris Mortman
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Email of the day
Confucius say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
h/t GJ
Denney Crane's Rumor Mill
I felt pretty bad the other day when someone inferred I was destroying our small town by running a "Rumor Mill".
Today, the Wise County Messenger Update confirmed part of the rumors the kids have been sharing with parents and the community at large. I will withhold my thoughts on the subject until the police have finished their investigation.
Denney Crane
Edit: It has come to my attention that the mother of a student at BHS went to the Bridgeport Police Department today and they supposedly told her that my blog made more of the story than what it turned out to be. In actuality, I was told the story by a student at BHS. The following day, a different student told the same story...
I reported the story as a rumor asking for someone to confirm it. I don't think I was out of line in asking questions. Lord help us if we question the actions of the school's administration or the police. Obviously, parents are on a need to know basis; death threats must not be important enough for us to need to know.
your local "f'ing tool",
DC
Pop term of the day:
Northwest Nap
Northwest Nap
A very deep sleep where you are unable to hear telephones, text messages, and even the Air Force.
Named to honor the two fine pilots from Northwest Airlines and there little "in flight snooze"
"Dude, I was so tired yesterday afternoon, I took a Northwest Nap. My girl called me 15 times and I didn't hear a thing"
Urban Dictionary
Of Interest
I’ve seen some nasty shark bites in my life, but nothing compares to this…
These are some of the most inappropriate science fair projects I have ever witnessed! GRAPHIC CONTENT
When you look up the term “$hit happens”, you will find this video of a BMW trying to park!
Cash for clunkers cost Americans $24,000 per car! Can you imagine what a new Chevy is gonna cost?!?!? But health care will be different..
Can you read between the lines of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger when he flips off the Kaliphonia legislature? Gotta give credit where credit is due!
I wonder what this birthday party cost?
Just in case you’re in search of the perfect body, this one’s damn close…
Deep thought of the day
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are
Tim Menchen
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Email of the week
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
NOW slowly, let it sink in. Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.
Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY.... during the Carter Administration?
Anybody?
Anything?
No?
Didn't think so!
Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!
Ready??
It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.
The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977.
TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL!
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???
AND NOW IT'S 2009 -- 32 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"
Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.
AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?
HELLOOO! Anybody Home?
"Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it, right is right even if no one is doing it." ~ St. Augustine
h/t Phillip
Pop term of the day
cocktail weenie
cocktail weenie
A person obsessed with the minutiae of bartending practices and traditions, especially regarding the preparation of mixed drinks.
"Their cold gin flip was fairly authentic, but it really should be made with cubed ice, not crushed."
"You are such a cocktail weenie."
Urban Dictionary
Political Ptyas
Bet you didn't know that ACORN funding was banned by Congress FOR ONLY 30 DAYS
ROTFLMAO: Liberal blogger Arianna Huffington calls the President of the United States, “pundit-in-chief”!
Barney Frank is not hiding in plain sight by saying, “We Are Trying On Every Front To Increase The Role Of Government.”
0bama Praises Rep. Alan Grayson After He Calls Female Official a “K Street whore”! Now this is presidential!
15 year old girl gang-raped for 2 hours at homecoming dance while as many as 15 people watch…
Guys, a child could figure out this equation:
STIMULUS $$$ + SHOVEL READY, CRIME REDUCING JOBS = NEW PRISONS
Bishop Thomas Tobin disagrees with Catholic Congressman Patrick Kennedy for his scorn of the Church’s position on 0bamacare. His reply: “But we are adamantly opposed to health care legislation that threatens the life of unborn children, requires taxpayers to pay for abortion, rations health care, or compromises the conscience of individuals.” Don’t change your religious denomination, chastise the religion and make it look bad.
Of Interest
Judging by the folks getting tazed in these videos, I think the Wise County Attorney handled himself pretty well…
Is this the kind of crap girls think about all day?
Now these are some really funny and really offensive homemade signs… that made me smile
Scientology used to be the cool religion of the rich and famous… now it’s considered diabolical.
The latest and greatest You Tube feature: Warp
Can anyone confirm?
The latest rumor floating around Bridgeport High School students is that a BHS student was sporting a death list and planning to bomb and shoot up the school. Reportedly, the Bridgeport Police went to his home and confiscated guns and other weapons.
Inquiring minds need to know, so feel free to set the record straight...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Pop term of the day: Dank
Also an expression requently used by stoners and hippies for something of high quality.
That borritos was dank, man.
or...
That borritos was the dankness
Urban Dictionary
Political Prepuce
QUESTION: In our free enterprise system, is racism illegal, even if they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone?
Oh, and by the way, who would have guessed that Stimulus contracts would go to companies under criminal investigation?
FBI report the rescued more than 50 children from prostitution during a nationwide operation. Arrested nearly 700 in the process.
People, including politicians, are considered Cafeteria Catholics when they side with the government over the Church. 0bamacare abortion proponents are no exception.
Of Interest
Got perfect credit? Get ready for banks to charge you extra for following the rules!
Now these are some really bada$$ famous last words
Just in case you want out of your comfort zone this winter and try something/somewhere different, you can check out this cool website, SkiResorts.com
Employers befriending employees are now setting themselves up to be sued… so much for friendship!
Do you watch porn? There’s a new website out that may be looking to expose you…
Like you ever paid any attention to suggestions, but this is why you should not pick up the Halloween $lut
You can go back to work now…
Deep thought of the day
The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
Voltaire
Monday, October 26, 2009
Spiders on drugs
In 1965 Dr. Peter Witt gave drugs to spiders and observed their effects on web building. This short film about the results of the experiment was created by First Church Of Christ, Filmmaker.
If you're one of the 21 million who have watched this video, as I have, you might find it just as interesting as the first time you watched it.
Pop term of the day: bullshine
Work-safe and broadcast-safe synonym of bullshiat.
Person 1: "Have you heard about that guy who slept with 200 women?"
Person 2: "Yeah, whatever, that's a load of 'bullshine'!"
Political Putrescine
Speaking of executive bonuses, “The government-controlled mortgage finance company [Freddie Mac] is giving CFO Ross Kari compensation worth as much as $5.5 million. That includes an almost $2 million cash signing bonus and a generous salary that could top $2.3 million.”
Is this the future of government healthcare in America? Huge lines of waiting outside in the rain to get a flu shot... or will politicians continue to blame the immoral profits made by health insurance companies?
White House confronts the U.S. Chamber of Commerce … that leads me to the question, who is the White House not confronting?
I spent 2 hours and 24 minutes Friday evening watching a disturbing documentary by Alex Jones called The Fall of the Republic. I will probably watch it several more times to validate some of the information it asserts. Every time I start thinking Alex Jones is not a nut, something like this happens.
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