Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Nebraska. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Kansas . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day, day 2, he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from New Orleans, Louisiana. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher!!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Three men married wives from different states.
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn`t buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor; then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
h/t Betty Rubble
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible
h/t Rock City Michael & the Truckmonster
Friday, October 16, 2009
A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked, 'How did the human race start?'
Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve, they had children, and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl went to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the Human race was created by God, and Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'
Before you call me a racist, do know that I gave Hilary Clinton a much harder time than Mrs. 0bama. If you thought it was funny or cute, you actually have a sense of humor. If not, tough shit!
the feeling on a woman's legs as a result of not having shaved.
--Steve is mad at me!
--cuz last nite, he wanted to touch my legs and i didnt let him
--cuz, i got cactus legs, i have shaved in a week!
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000".
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Proposition 2 & 3 on the ballot November 3rd allows the state to amend the Texas constitution so the government of our fair state can levy a tax on your home.
Don't take my word for it, read it for yourself!
Go ahead, tell me that they're just trying to keep your homestead appraised at a reasonable value as a home instead of high priced real estate...
‘Why Joe Biden Should Resign” by Arianna Huffington
The Gay community is finding Democrats as much their enemy as Christians.
Okay, please give me your honest opinion. Is Meghan McCain wearing a push-up bra or a pop-out bra? BTW, she wants to be taken seriously, not sexually. Yea, right...that's not gonna happen!
Them Dems will miss you when you’re gone!
It has begun… Liberals ban the U.S. flag from apartment complex. Change we can believe in!
Get ready to take it up the butt! What happens to Ford when the union owns a large chunk of its main domestic competitors???
Twitterererers beware of this phishing scam when direct messaging!
Gay Rights group sets up kissing booth in the Stockyards… Men have been shot at the Stockyards for less offensive behavior!
Booty Call Etiquette
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A crush on a FB friend is characterized by the unexplainable urge to revisit the friend's Photos tab repeatedly and checking to see if other friends have written new messages on their Wall. Usually afflicts users who are only somewhat acquainted.
"I've got a Facebook crush on a guy I was going to rent a room from, but in the end we just friended each other."
You know times are bad in when world banks don’t want American dollars!
IMPOSSIBLE: ‘The buildup has raised the number of U.S. troops deployed to the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan above the peak during the Iraq "surge" that President George W. Bush ordered, officials said.’
For those of you who have a serious solution to America’s problems, Contract from America.com posts some of the most brilliant ideas to resolve many of America’s challenges.
a handful of Obama appointees have been quietly exercising their power over the trappings of daily life.
SACRAMENTO — Nine California Department of Motor Vehicle offices were forced to close for at least part of Columbus Day when hundreds of state workers skipped work to protest the loss of the paid holiday. Leaders of the largest state employees' union had urged members to skip work in protest.
'Obama on his political opponents:
"They Bring a Knife...We Bring a Gun"
Obama to his supporters:
"Get in Their Faces!"
Obama on ACORN mobs:
"I don't want to quell anger. I think people are right to be angry! I'm angry!"
Obama to his mercenary army:
"Hit Back Twice As Hard"
Obama on the killer Iranian regime murdering their own people in the street:
"The Iranians are having a robust debate."
Obama on defending genocide (2007):
The United States cannot use its military to solve humanitarian problems and that preventing a potential genocide in Iraq isn't a good enough reason to keep U.S. forces there.
Obama defending killing babies who survive an abortion:
"Essentially adding an additional doctor who then has to be called in an emergency situation to come in and make these assessments is really designed simply to burden the original decision."
Truly, this is a man of peace.' Gateway Pundit
Failure is not always mind over matter!
Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
If you think you’re not very photogenic, some of these roller coaster riders have serious issues!
Pimping your ride takes on a whole new meaning
Drifting on sand dunes can have fatal consequences
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
One of the latest (and absolutely hilarious) Saturday Night Live skits did not portray an accurate example of President 0bama's accomplishments. Here is a long list they conveniently failed to mention.
1. Offended the Queen of England.
2. Bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia.
3. Praised the Marxist Daniel Ortega.
4. Kissed Socialist Hugo Chavez on the cheek.
5. Endorsed the Socialist Evo Morales of Bolivia.
6. Sided with Hugo Chavez and Communist Fidel Castro against Honduras.
7. Announced we would meet with Iranians with no pre-conditions while they're building their nuclear weapons.
8. Gave away billions to AIG also without pre-conditions.
9. Expanded the bailouts.
10. Insulted everyone who has ever loved a Special Olympian.
11. Doubled our national debt.
12. Announced the termination of our new missile defense system the day after North Korea launched an ICBM.
13. Released information on U.S. intelligence gathering despite urgings of his own CIA director and the prior four CIA directors.
14. Accepted without comment that five of his cabinet members cheated on their taxes and two other nominees withdrew after they couldn't take the heat.
15. Appointed a Homeland Security Chief who identified military veterans and abortion opponents as "dangers to the nation".
16. Ordered that the word "terrorism" no longer be used and instead refers to such acts as "man-made disasters".
17. Circled the globe to publicly apologize for America's world leadership.
18. Told the Mexican president that the violence in their country was because of us.
19. Salutes as heroes three Navy SEALS who took down three terrorists who threatened one American life and the next day announces members of the Bush administration may stand trial for "torturing" three 9/11 terrorists by pouring water up their noses.
20. Low altitude photo shoot of Air Force One over New York City that frightened thousands of New Yorkers. (While he did not know where Air Force One was)
21. Announced nationalized health care "reform" that will strip seniors of their Medicare, cut pay of physicians, increase taxes yet another $1 trillion, require "End of Life" counseling, and put everyone on rationed care with government bureaucrats deciding who gets care and who doesn't.
Per Bloomberg: Daschle says, "Health care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them," while former Colorado Governor Dick Lamm says seniors have "a duty to die."22. Appointed numerous unaccountable Czars, some who have supported socialist and fascist ideals.
If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that the President, Senators, and Congressmen have their own special gold plated health care plan which is guaranteed the remainder of their lives and they are not subject to this new law if they pass it, because under the Health Care Reform bill, anyone with a Health Plan who wants to keep it, may keep it.
h/t Sili, the infamous F bomb queen
Historical events that you probably don’t know about gay rights…
So you really want to know what it’s like to be buried by an avalanche while snow skiing?
The best/worst professions to date.
The weirdest outfits of Paris’ fashion week
Bugging your cell phone isn’t difficult or expensive, unless someone tapes your conversation…
Tara Reid joins the ranks of Marge Simpson and poses for Playboy
Monday, October 12, 2009
The act of remembering, with or without success, a night of inebriation.
John couldn't remembeer the bachelor party, he had drunk far too much.
Alice could vaguely remembeer bits and parts of the chili cook-off.
Should the Nobel Peace Prize have been awarded to this woman, who’s sacrifice for hope and change was much more profound?
Do America’s black leaders condone the death of a black teenager as long as he is not killed by someone who’s white?
Bet you didn’t know that people with health insurance are already being fined for not having a “state approved’ policy.
Sick Iraq war veteran dies after being given cancerous lungs in transplant. Universal health care at its worst.
Fit hits the shan in England when hundreds of anti-Islamic protesters have a face-off with counter-campaigners.
Once again, when I think I’ve seen just about everything, they post some of the worst comb-overs in the history of ever!
Life would be so boring without a cat fight or two! I think a few of those gals could whip most men!
LADY GAGA: “Are you listening? We will continue to push you and your administration to bring your words of promise to a reality.” Get in line and take a number! Video here
The state of New York has cut off unemployment benefits for a 2008 law grad after she reported collecting $1.30 a day in advertising income from her blog. Where’s Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Love is everything. It is the key to life, and its influences are those that move the world.
Author and lecturer Leo once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry ."
Love is everything. It is the key to life, and its influences are those that move the world.Ralph Waldo Trine