Saturday, January 31, 2009
Ted Nugent, avid bow hunter and all around wild man rock star from Michigan was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist when the discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought of the deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away.'
'They are very much like the French.'
Friday, January 30, 2009
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! It collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M., so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves "shit happens."
It always seems important to me that I thank these people for removing themselves from our gene pool.
Even though a government prosecutor cut a deal with a "jailhouse snitch" to testify against an innocent man, our highest court gives the procecutor immunity from negligence on Monday!
And if that's not enough, they also ruled that police don't need probable cause to search your vehicle! SCOTUS Blog
As I predicted, our rights will decrease right along with government accountability.
First the Affair, Then Paternity Test, Then Abortion? Before giving birth, the father wants to make sure it's his child...
Hackers crack into Texas road sign, warn of Zombies Ahead! Fox
Is it negligent to allow someone to freeze to death by cutting off his electricity? If only an animal would have died with him...it would then be a national outrage!
Oregon offer terminal patients doctor-assisted suicide instead of medical care... they need the money to keep the zoos open! Fox
Assault a teacher…they can’t expel you! Fox
Economy related deaths continue to rise! Fox
No need for gun control if they implement this… USAVSUS
Thursday, January 29, 2009
our Chinese Pug who did not wake up this morning. She was a gift to my son for Christmas 11 years ago. This dog was a character...once again showing insanity can be a learned behavior.
I regret very little about this dog and her life in the Crane home. She lived like a queen and ran the neighborhood. She instigated all the dog fights and was the bravest dog in the area, as long as her "friends" were around. Several years back, she came in the house with an eye missing...no telling what she got into with that ordeal...
Rest in Peace
The art of escape: Accuse your Accusers. Politico
Look who’s demanding an apology from the United States… apologize and let us get back to supplying weapons to terrorist organizations Fox News
Pastor gets 5 years in prison for having sex with his 10 year old wife. What does she get? Fox
More proof that the government can wreck any business it tries to run! Fox
I bet they wish they were Illinois politicians! ABC
Murtha Got Payback in ’08 “…nine out of every 10 of their checks dropped in from outside the state.” Roll Call
President Obama speaks of our common defense...ideals over safety? "We reject as false"??? He didn't include me when he said "we". I don't believe his ideals make us safer! Historically, the ideals of men in power have been to amass greater power, control and wealth; many times using fear...as is happening right now with the economy.
It will take a few riots and a couple of bombings for the progressive public to discard their precious Utopian ideals and plead for the safety of their families. See if our President will dismiss his Secret Service protection and let his family feel free and unafraid. It isn't his ideals that will keep them safe!
Go live in North Korea, Iran, Syria, Palestinian territories, or Pakistan and tell me that your ideals are more important than your safety. While your over there, speak out for religious freedom, human rights, women's rights, abortion, government corruption and war atrocities...burn a Koran in public...see if you're willing to sacrifice yourself and your family for your ideals. I think not! Safety will always come first!
The dead have no ideals.
But I could be wrong,
The economic situation of the world is not what it used to be. To reflect this, some of the Blue Chip companies have modified their logos.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very large woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a Beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!
To her credit, the esteemed House of R & R posted a squirrel blog I was gonna run, but squirrels are funny creatures that I couldn't drop it without some squirrel humor.
...how this stimulus bill does anything other than grow government and facilitate more government programs. Loan states, communities and private entities money they can't and won't repay... This is not stimulus, it's lessons in expanding programs. Really, grant states and communities money without restrictions? What incentive is there to reduce state and local government spending?
These numbers were pulled out of the hats/arses of department heads of every federal government branch in existance. This is just too easy misappropriate and funnel money to other entities.
It is part 2 of a 6 part bailout on taxpayers!
Summary of spending by Appropriations Subcommittee:
Agriculture: $26.863 billion
$19.99 billion in mandatory spending for the Food Stamp program.
$5.13 billion for rural grant and loan programs, including programs to support broadband deployment, the Rural Business Cooperative Service, housing insurance, water and waste programs, and community facilities.
$726 million for the after-school snack program.
$253 million for the Department’s building and facility repairs.
$345 million for information technology improvements.
$400 million for watershed flood prevention and rehabilitation.
$23 million for the Department of Agriculture’s Inspector General to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Commerce, Justice, Science: $14.191 billion
$6.575 billion for the Department of Commerce, including:
$3.175 billion for broadband mapping and for the deployment of wireless and broadband technology to unserved areas,
$ 1 billion for unspecified activities related to the 2010 Decennial Census,
$650 million for additional Digital TV transition coupons,
$1 billion for NOAA climate satellite and habitat restoration programs,
$500 million for NIST research, construction and manufacturing support programs, and
$250 million for economic development assistance grants.
$4.00 billion for the Department of Justice for grant assistance to State and local law enforcement, including:
$3 billion for the Byrne/JAG formula grant program and
$l billion for COPS Hiring grants.
$600 million for NASA, including:
$400 million for Science to accelerate the highest priority Earth Science missions,
$150 million for aeronautics research and
$50 million for hurricane-related construction projects at NASA centers.
$3 billion for the National Science Foundation, including:
$2 billion for research grants,
$300 million for research instrumentation grants,
$200 million for academic research facilities renovation grants,
$400 million for major research equipment and facilities projects,
$100 million for science education programs.
$16 million for the Inspectors General of the Department of Commerce, Justice, NASA, and the National Science Foundation to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Defense: $4.865 billion
$4.5 billion for sustainment, maintenance, and repair of Department of Defense
$350 million for research, development, test and evaluation, including pilot projects, for improvements in energy generation, transmission, regulation, storage, and use on military installations.
$15 million for the Department of Defense’s Inspector General to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Energy and Water: $48.915 billion
$5 billion for water projects, including:
$4.5 billion for the Army Corps of Engineers for repairs and upgrades to levees and dams and
$500 million for the Bureau of Reclamation for drinking water supply, water reuse, and water recycling projects.
537.4 billion for energy projects, including the following:
$2 billion for research related to renewable energy and energy efficiency,
$500 million for an industrial waste energy recovery incentive program,
$1.5 billion for grants to institutions to identify, design, and implement sustainable energy projects,
$6.2 billion through the Weatherization Assistance Program to assist low income families in reducing energy costs,
$3.5 billion for Energy Efficiency and Conservation Block Grants to states, local governments, and Indian tribes to reduce fossil fuel emissions,
$3.4 billion for the State Energy Program to provide grants to state energy offices,
$200 million for Transportation Electrification Program to move the transportation sector toward clean energy sources,
$300 million to provide rebates to residential customers for the purchase of energy efficient appliances,
$400 million for a pilot program that will allow state and local governments to acquire alternative fueled vehicles,
$2 billion for facilities to support the manufacturing of advanced vehicle batteries,
$4.5 billion to support research and development, pilot projects, and federal matching funds for the Smart Grid Investment Program to modernize the country’s electric grid,
$8 billion for a new loan guarantee program for renewable energy and electric power transmission systems,
52.4 billion for carbon capture and sequestration demonstration projects,
52 billion for capital improvements at Department of Energy labs and facilities, and for advanced research projects, and
$500 million for to accelerate ongoing nuclear waste cleanup.
6.5 billion in additional borrowing authority for the Western Area Power Administration and the Bonneville Power Administration.
$15 million for the Department of Energy’s Inspector General to conduct audits and investigations of these programs, but no new funds are provided to conduct audits and investigations of the Corps of Engineers’ projects.
Financial Services: $8.755 billion
$430 million for subsidy and administrative costs of small business loans.
$600 million to replace a portion of the Federal vehicle fleet with alternative fuel vehicles.
$7.7 billion for construction and repairs of Federal buildings, with
$6 billion dedicated to projects focused on energy-efficiency and conservation and
$1 billion for ports of entry.
$25 million for the Inspectors General of the Small Business Administration and the General Services Administration to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Homeland Security: $1.102 billion
$100 million for non-intrusive Customs and Border Protection inspection equipment,
$150 million for construction at land ports of entry.
$500 million for Explosive Detection System installation and procurement and Airport Checkpoint Technologies.
$150 million for the Coast Guard for alteration of bridges.
$200 million for Emergency Food and Shelter. (FY08 - $153 million)
$2 million for the Department of Homeland Security’s Office of Inspector General to conduct audits and oversight of these programs.
Interior: $15.010 billion
$8 billion for state revolving funds for clean water and drinking water.
$1 billion for clean-up of Superfund sites and leaking underground storage tanks.
$4.375 billion for construction, capital improvements, and revitalization projects of the Smithsonian Institution, US Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management, Fish and Wildlife Service, National Park Service, Bureau of Indian Affairs, and Indian Health Service.
$850 million for wildfire hazard reduction, including on Federal lands.
$300 million for grants and loans to states and local governments to reduce diesel emissions (DERA).
$200 million for repair and restoration of science facilities and scientific equipment of the US Geological Survey.
$100 million for the Brownfields program to address site assessment and cleanup. That's just to assess it!
$100 million for facility repairs and modernization of programs through the National Park Service Centennial Challenge grants.
$50 million for grants through the National Endowment for the Arts.
$35 million for the Inspectors General of the Department of the Interior and the Environmental Protection Agency.
Labor-HHS: $171.363 billion
$4 billion for worker training, including
$1.2 billion for a new program for youth summer jobs,
$50 million for Youthbuild, and
$750 million for green jobs, healthcare, and emerging industry training grants.
$120 million to employ older Americans in community service.
$500 million for state employment service and reemployment grants.
$80 million to ensure infrastructure projects funded in the bill comply with workplace safety regulations.
$300 million to construct Job Corps facilities.
$1.5 billion for community health centers, including $1 billion for construction and renovation of existing facilities.
$88 million to replace HRSA’s headquarters facility.
$600 million to subsidize training for primary care workers, including doctors, nurses and dentists.
$462 million to continue replacing CDC facilities.
$1.5 billion for university research facility construction through NIH.
$500 million for construction of NlH-owned facilities.
$1.5 billion for NIH research.
$l billion for comparative effectiveness research.
$1 billion for LIHEAP for fiscal year 2010.
$2 billion for the Child Care Development Block Grant.
$2.1 billion for Head Start and Early Head Start.
$1 billion for the Community Services Block Grant.
$100 million for the Compassion Capital Fund.
$200 million for senior citizen nutrition programs such as Meals on Wheels.
$3 billion for a new prevention and wellness fund.
$2 billion to modernize electronic health records.
$900 million for Project Bioshield.
$13 billion for formula grants to school districts. OHIO SCHOOLS GET 1.2 BILLION!
$100 million for school construction in school districts heavily impacted by Federal or tribal lands on which they cannot collect property taxes.
$1 billion for education technology in elementary and secondary schools.
$66 million for education for homeless children and youth.
$200 million for the Teacher Incentive Fund.
$25 million for construction loans to charter schools.
$13 billion for special education state grants.
$600 million for special education programs for infants and families.
$500 million for vocational and rehabilitation state grants.
$200 million for centers for independent living.
$15.6 billion for Pell grants.
$490 million for college work-study grants.
$50 million for student aid administration.
$100 million for teacher quality grants to institutions of higher education.
$250 million for statewide education data systems.
$14 billion for construction of elementary and secondary schools.
$6 billion for construction of facilities at colleges and Universities.
$200 million to pay Americorps volunteers.
$900 million to reduce the Social Security disability case backlog and construct a new computing center for the agency.
$39 billion for state and local education agencies FOR WHAT?
$15 billion to reward schools that have made progress in meeting No Child Left Behind standards.
$25 billion for other state and local government functions (including education). DEFINE OTHER!
$42 million for the Inspectors General of the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education, as well as the Social Security Administration and the Corporation for National and Community Service, to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Military Construction: $7.001 billion
$6 billion for military construction projects, including base housing, child development centers, hospitals and ambulatory care centers, construction projects to support Guard and Reserve units across the country, and clean-up activities related to base closures.
$1 billion for maintenance of veterans’ medical centers and national cemeteries.
$l million for the Department of Veterans Affairs Inspector General to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
State-Foreign Operations: $0.500 billion
$224 million to rehabilitate the Rio Grande Flood Control System and meet water quality and capacity requirements of the Colorado River Boundary and Capacity Preservation project.
$276 million to improve information technology, including cybersecurity enhancements.
No funds provided for the Department of State’s Inspector General to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
$30 billion for federal highway projects, including
$300 million for roads on Indian reservations 10%,
$250 million for park roads,
$20 million for on the job training,
$20 million for Disadvantaged Business Enterprise bonding,
$60 million for administration, and
$29.35 billion to the States.
$6 billion for transit capital assistance grants for vehicle acquisition and facility construction.
$300 million for intercity rail programs.
$800 million for Amtrak for capital infrastructure improvements.
$1 billion for capital investment grants for new transit projects. NEW ONES, NOT INVENTED YET?
$2 billion to rehabilitate existing transit systems.
$3 billion for airport improvement projects.
$5 billion for repair and construction projects in public housing units.
$2.5 billion to renovate and retrofit federally-assisted housing units to make them more energy efficient.
$l.5 billion for emergency shelter grants.
$500 million to renovate and retrofit Native American housing units.
$l billion for Community Development Block Grants. MINORITIES
$4.19 billion for the Neighborhood Stabilization Program for local communities to purchase and rehabilitate vacant housing.
$1.5 billion for the HOME program to rehabilitate and construct housing, as well as fill financing gaps.
$10 million for nonprofit housing organizations to develop or rehabilitate low income housing.
$100 million to address lead-based paint threats in public housing.
$50 million, which will allow loan limits to be raised in subareas, if warranted.
$35 million for the Inspectors General of the Department of Housing and Urban Development and Transportation to conduct audits and investigations of these programs.
Lets see, who benefits? Certain construction companies, certain industries, certain states, certain communities, certain schools, certain professions, certain universities, certain research facilities...
Please tell me who I missed!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
My name is Denney...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex...
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Our President made 510 campaign promises. Someone’s keeping track. They have developed an “Obameter” to check each and every promise. Politifact
I don't believe this is how history will judge the Obama Presidency. Although, I find it very distressing to comprehend what it takes to be elected to the highest office in the land.
I feel safer already… ABC News
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Monday, January 26, 2009
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
I admire his intellect, achievement and ambition. I'm also thankful he has crawfished on his ultra-progressive supporters and moved to a more centrist stance. I wonder if the liberal media will turn on him for it.
This is the best five minutes of Barack Obama I have ever seen.
Our President is a great communicator. He's successfully selling the additional $825 billion stimulus package. He uses the feel, felt, found formula and gives a first rate performance. It pains me to agree with much of what he had to say; he has no choice but to focus on solutions and not blame.
The horror comes when congress starts dividing it up for special interests and corporate campaign contributors. Let’s not kid ourselves to think how much these giant corporations pay lobbyists to nurse and coerce congressional leaders out of more cash.
Conversely, it also pains me to agree with a New York Times Op-ED columnist who discusses a few possible flaws in the bill. He points out, "The total package is so diffuse, it costs $223,000 to create a single job."
And then a Nobel Prize winning economist has a recession solution which might cost up to $5 trillion.
There is a distinct possibility this may be a primitive method for redistribution. Not much gray area as to the benefactors; the stimulus plan is for everyone, except skilled and/or white male workers... Thank you for making it perfectly clear.
Our esteemed President has remained squeaky clean amid several scandals, but his senior aides have been served with federal subpoenas in the Blago impeachment trial. Q C Times Blago brilliantly brings the White House into the mix to let them help his situation or take them down. It should be an easy choice for the Obama administration.
As much as I want our President to succeed, it concerns me how someone as intelligent as Barack Obama knows what's happening in the Middle East and at Gitmo, but is clueless about what goes on with his closest associates...including his own Pastor...
But, as always, I could be wrong...
Today, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will give his first interview since the SHTF on ABC. I don't know what time.
For you performing arts aficionados, this is one production you don't want to miss. If you have the time and means to watch it, please critique his song and dance and make sure you share it with me. Thank you for your continued patronage to theatre and the performing arts.
Back in 1929 when the stock market crashed, many Wall Street bankers and stockbrokers jumped from their office windows, committing suicide because of the guilt they felt when confronted with the news of their firms' and clients' financial ruin. Many people were said to almost feel sorry for them . . . .
In 2008, that attitude has changed somewhat: fotochopped...
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
‘What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?’ inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am,” replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said... 'Who's gonna look?'
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called, 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once -- the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice... well, it really chilled the mood!
7. It used to be only death and taxes... Now of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way!