Can't be said better than this!

Can you tell me???

Hey Guys,

I really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on .

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed...a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Wondering how to show your appreciation to our military?

My patriotic duty?

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were, wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or jungle fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!

10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc…, are terms of endearment used describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.

Have a nice day...


h/t Oh Gracious One

Do you actually realize value?

To realize the value of a sister or brother,
Ask someone who doesn't have one.

To realize the value of ten years,
Ask a newly divorced couple.

To realize the value of four years,
Ask a graduate.

To realize the value of one year,
Ask a student who failed a final exam.

To realize the value of nine months,
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize the value of one month,
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week,
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour,
ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute,
Ask a person who has missed a train, bus or plane.

To realize the value of one second,
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of a split second,
ask an olympic silver medalist.

To realize the value of a friend or family member,
lose one.

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

Has anyone actually tried these?

Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes..... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure... Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process..

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... it's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.


Blown smoke up your buddy's ass so as to make him believe anything you tell him.

So you're opposed to spanking children?

Next season on Dancing with the Stars

h/t AJ

Pop term of the week

Masturdating
Going out alone. I.e. seeing a movie by yourself, going to a restaurant alone.

Dude I saw No Country for Old Men twice by myself. I'm addicted to chronic masturdating.

It starts with a thought...

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are...

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

Mary Jean Iron