A person who does not use profession as criteria for choosing sexual partners
- How'd you swing that? I thought Jane only hooked up above a certain income bracket.
Naa man, she's a jack off all trades
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I noticed there was a crew working at Twin Oaks Assembly of God in Bridgeport and I asked what was going on. Part of their roof collapsed and they're working diligently to remove the remaining snow and salvage what is not damaged.
If you find yourself bored or need something to do to feel good about, go over and lend them a hand. You will be glad you did.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas!' she said.
h/t Madman Mango
Friday, February 12, 2010
(v.) The act of sharing a piece of food from oposite ends similar to the spaghetti scene in the famous Disney movie, "Lady and the Tramp."
(v.) Eating opposite ends of a food until both partners meet in the middle.
Sorry guys, I only have one Snickers bar left for the two of you, but you can lady and the tramp it if you want.
Well, let’s see where to start today. An Iowa woman is accused of pimping out her daughter. Looking at her photo I wonder how much she was getting for her…
In New York they’re having a condom designing contest. I’m sure many dicks will enter…
In Berlin, a thief robs an arcade with a cup of coffee.
And then there’s the one about the British broadcaster who was fined for killing a rat on the air. Damn tree hugging liberals!
When it comes to vibrator use, many worry or wonder if it will be a gal’s ultimate sex demise. Sure, it’s providing her with plenty of pleasure now.
If that's not enough to float your boat today, complain to Silicone Alley. She has the perfect response to all criticism...
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned!'
Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Crib notes written on a public speaker's hand in order to remind him or her what to say during a speech or interview.
Sarah Palin glanced at her redneck teleprompter during her interview a the Tea Party Conference in Nashville.
If successful people have one common trait, it's an utter lack of cynicism. The world owes them nothing. They go out and find what they need without asking for permission; they're driven, talented, and work through negatives by focusing on the positives.
Halfpipe snowboarding has come a long way in a short time. There’s a badass new move called the double cork, and even physics professors have a hard time explaining it.
Mrs. Crane will get the "Queen for a day" package at an exclusive spa in Colleyville for Valentine's Day. Like she isn't already queen of the world as I know it... Trust me, she earned it!
Here are more business dealings of your current administration. It helps to be familiar with addition and subtraction…
Why is it that when women make a list of what men spend too much money on, the last thing on the list is “women”…
The Bridgeport Index reported a citizen's revolt this week. Seems they don't like their electricity bill being 30% higher than their neighbors outside the city. Sorry folks, they have to pay for the new city hall, new police station, new off road park and the dozens of new employees somehow. Why didn't you express concern when they were spending all your money?
Your mayor and councilmen are ultimately responsible, but it's the city's paid advisors they listen to when making these decisions. When mistakes are made, it's the always the taxpayer who suffers. You can also thank your local EDC, parks board, airport board and city employees responsible for budget proposals.
I have no sympathy for people getting involved after the fact. If they didn't vote, didn't become involved, didn't ask questions before hand, they get what they deserve. Only an idiot doesn't question the spending habits of the City of Bridgeport, Bridgeport ISD or Wise County Commissioners? The problem has just begun.
I continue to ask these questions, "What happens if Weatherford College is unable to make their payments on the new college campus Wise County Commissioners borrowed money to build?" "Who will pay for it then?" It's only $25 million...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The one resolution, which was in my mind long before it took the form of a resolution, is the key-note of my life.
It is this, always to regard as mere impertinences of fate the handicaps which were placed upon my life almost at the beginning.
I resolved that they should not crush or dwarf my soul, but rather be made to blossom, like Aaron's rod, with flowers.
snow + apocalypse = snowpocalypse
When weathermen predict large amounts of snowfall in a short period of time.
Clint: Dude, I heard on the weather channel you had a snowpocalypse last night in your area
Paul: Naw, just a couple inches, the weather man is an idiot.
Some women get really, and I mean really, pissed off!
Mediocre criminal is now an unmatched attorney. Talk about a huge turnaround. HUGE!
It’s barely February and Sports Illustrated is already releasing their swimsuit edition… Just makes me wish summer would get here already!
Would you kiss this girl? It’s easy to say no when you’re not drinking,,,
Those crazy Japanese sure come up with some bizarre shtuff.
If you need a good laugh, check out some of the funniest TV captions of all time.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Can you guess who owns
stock in this company?
So you say you don’t know what to do for Valentine’s Day? Here are 10 things that aren’t too shabby…
Here are what’s considered 10 of the most anticipated “Guy Movies” for 2011. Actually it’s part 1 of 2 and I hate it when they do that!
There are some women out there you should never, ever act ugly towards…
Peyton Manning accused of being a poor sport? Well, at least he’s not pretending to be a good sport…
Now these are some true rednecks!
If you don’t believe in luck, here are some amazingly lucky individuals…
Saving the best for last, here are the funniest Google search results of all time!!!
Monday, February 8, 2010
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
One of the options for "Relationship Status" on Facebook. Refers to a couple in an ambiguous state between "friends" and "in a relationship". May also be used to indicate dissatisfaction with an existing relationship.
If someone changes their status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated", expect them to be "Single" and "Looking for Random Play" soon.
Sept. 3, 2009, the Wise County Messenger reported the following story:
' Sheriff David Walker said he sent an e-mail to his administration explaining that the actual increase per paycheck would likely be less than $10 after taxes, and he wanted the staff to consider turning down the $379 increase to help lower the tax rate.
He said he was surprised how quickly the staff responded.
"The majority said it was OK. We don't want to set a precedent, but the group recognizes the economy is bad ... It was a way we could give back," he said. "That's kind of the way we wanted to do it. (The administration) ran it through and the majority of the employees said 'we understand." '
I left this comment with the Wise County Messenger on the above article:
The staff did not respond to his email. The email said that anyone who had a problem declining the raise were to come speak with him [Sheriff Walker] or Doug Whitehead. Employees were scared they would be dismissed if they disagreed.
They were not given a choice. The majority he mentioned did not respond whatsoever and you can ask just about anyone who works for the sherrif's department and they will confirm it as long as they can remain anonymous... but I'm sure you already knew that and chose not to print it...
Don't take my word for it. Ask someone you know who works for the Sheriff's Dept who you trust not lie to you. I really have a hard time believing the county could lower the tax rate over a $63,000 cut in the department's budget as was stated.
Does the Messenger investigate these statements or do they just go along with anything they're told. I do understand since they get a really nice check from the County every month for advertising and public notices.
but as always, I could be wrong...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
When you watch too much football on your LCD big-screen. Can apply to other sports or programming in which you sit, staring at it for hours. Known to have negative effects on you health.
Joe Sixpack gets an LCD Trip every night watching ESPN.
We totally LCD Tripped during last year's Superbowl.