Funny play on words used by successful management types. Can be combined with finger guns for the ultimate combo.
Supervisor: Hey Joe! Working hard or hardly working? Hahahaha.
Joe: Hahahahaha! You're the best boss ever!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded, but boy are these funny and likely appropriate.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Friday, January 15, 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. ~ The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. And it's pronounced "gonna re-elect 'im."
Many victims contracted it in 2008
Now after having been screwed for the past two years, naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive this disease has become since it is so easily cured...
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a sh!t."
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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it some where else, but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."
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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
After rioting in the streets and burning mattresses, UT fans want to remove all traces of Lane Kiffin, so an apparel store in Knoxville is taking up old Kiffin gear to ship to the earthquake victims in Haiti. At least someone benefits…
So, how else do you climb aboard a train if you’re a backhoe?
Talk about a stroll down memory lane. Seeing all the Bond girls sure takes me back…
The squirreliest photos I have ever seen…
WARNING! GRAPHIC ~The top 10 most horrific parasitic infections! And I just thought my tapeworm was gross…
This week’s exotic car crashes … what a waste!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with "Go Sarah T-Shirts" came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Abbreviation of "For me to poop on." Popularised by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog of "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" fame.
"Yeah, Kirk. That was great acting, Kirk, really great acting...FMTPO!!!" -
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to William Shatner on the occasion of his visit to the "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" show, regarding Shatner's acting in the original television series "Star Trek."
I found this site quite entertaining. It reminds me of my workday. Feel free to check out ClientsFromHell.com
Some Russian apartments have a view that words just cannot describe.
The Harbin Ice and Snow Festival in China is an absolute wonderland.
So you’re in prison and you want to stand out from the crowd? Tattoo your eyeballs. Damn!
I can't keep my eyes open so this is it for the morning, Hope you have a good day...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after along, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Describing someone who gives a bad first impression but is actually a good person. Someone who doesn't appear to be competent, yet is extremely capable at what he/she does.
Dr. Bruce is a spaz, but he's one of the best doctors I know. You wouldn't know it by looking at him...good lenses, bad frames.
I was unable to buy Mrs. Crane a new Kindle for Christmas, and now I’m glad I didn’t. We are fixing to see a whole new generation of reading tablets.
What happens when “no child left behind” doesn’t work and kids still flunk or drop out of school? Some states found the solution, make the tests easier so more will pass.
AT&T & Yahoo have a poll asking how the President’s efforts to fix this battered economy is measuring up to me? Almost 53 million have voted so far.
Okay, why was your coach fired? Here is a graph that slaughters four of them…
California County throws man in jail for violating code laws while housing the homeless. How dare he!
Release the terrorist, dismiss the case, we violated his right to a speedy trial. Someone please tell me who gave him this right?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
when one is in a desperate need for a siesta because they become extremely tired in the afternoon and coffee isn't cutting it any longer.
"working at panera sucked today after that wild night of drinking. i had the worst mid-day crisis ever."
NEWS FLASH! Sarah Palin has joined Fox News as a news commentator. Keith Olbermann has someone new to hate on…
The Wall Street Journal reported (via Yahoo): 'A Maryland nurse accomplished two rare feats in her battle with the Internal Revenue Service: She defended herself against the agency's lawyers and won, and she got a ruling that could help tens of thousands of students deduct the cost of an M.B.A. degree on their taxes.'I do so love fearless, feisty American women!
UNBELIEVABLE! Some critics claim that the movie Avatar has a racist theme. But Harry Reid’s book doesn’t… yea, sure, whatever!
So what happens when Shaq falls in your lap courtside at a basketball game? If you’re a Baldwin brother, you get hugs and kisses! Get a room…
And for an even stranger basketball blunder , a pro isn’t exempt from moments of embarrassing failure.
Texas employers who have not fired or laid off their employees still get their Unemployment Insurance rate raised almost 300%. You think those businesses would be rewarded, not penalized...
Monday, January 11, 2010
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
For college football fanatics, here are next season’s top 25. Get you some of this!TCU #6
Okay girls, if your boyfriend asks you to do something on this list, you might want to reconsider a long term relationship!
Want to lose some of those holiday pounds? Check out what expert say are the skinny foods of 2010.
If you’re not interested in losing those holiday pounds, here’s some tips on how to dress thinner…
All responsible parents need to consider getting this new gadget that monitors their childs cell phone.
Okay, the rules have changed . Be careful about the myths on interviews that may keep you from getting hired…
If you have stock in these retailers, now is a good time to consider unloading them…
Uh Oh! Venezuela has a big problem. Couldn’t happen to a nicer government!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A movie rentals-by-mail service for squirrels
squirrel#1: Have you rented Over The Hedge yet?
squirrel#2: No, but I'll get it off Nutflix and watch it on nut inside.
squirrel#2: But there's portable nut! You can watch nut outside!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.'
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.'
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
'Just a minute,' says the minister. 'That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says Saint Peter. 'While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.'