Boston Legal's Ass

Catholic Humor

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Poor Box

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~ Donations ~~~
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

h/t 2 da Comish

Praise be to Allah

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 21:30:00 +0000

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide...

Let's see now.....

No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No golf
No tailgate parties
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave...
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here.

h/t Madman Mango

Toon of the day

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Pop term of the day: santaclaustrophobia

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:30:00 +0000

santaclaustrophobia

fear of too many santa clauses

He felt a bout of santaclaustrophobia coming upon him as the holiday season approached.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Keira Knightley

I find it quite funny that the easiest way to avoid an IRS audit is to not make any money…
Steven Tyler admitted into rehab for pain killer addiction. When he dies, science should study his liver and try to clone it…
At least our President is unpopular with both liberals and conservatives. He’s lied to both groups. At least he’s consistent.
I find myself drawn to the freakiest stuff, like this guy throwing a saw blade, cutting through a 2 X 4
Finally, if you ever really wonder why America is morally bankrupt, just watch this year’s 45 indelible moments in TV, or as much as possible before becoming sick at your stomach.

Priorities

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Some things can just wait!

h/t Madman Mango

Never Argue with a Woman

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:30:00 +0000

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL

Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Toon of the day

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:30:00 +0000

Karma is a bitch

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:01:00 +0000

"China wrecked the talks, intentionally humiliated Barack Obama, and insisted on an awful 'deal' so western leaders would walk away carrying the blame," Mark Lynas writes for the Guardian. Daily Beast

I said it once and I'll say it again, "God Bless China". I wish I could have been there to see amateur night in Copenhagen starring the President of the United States. This will not get him a spot on dancing with the stars...

So, will you actually pretend to care?

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:10:00 +0000

STATE INTERVENTION – A district court in Travis County has issued a temporary restraining order against Bridgeport Essential Practices, LLC, owner of Bridgeport Health Care Center. The court also appointed David Crowson as temporary trustee, giving Crowson exclusive powers to operate and fully control the center. The action comes after an investigation earlier this month revealed four areas of immediate jeopardy, said Laura Albrecht, press officer for the Texas Department of Aging and Disability services. A Sept. 18 inspection revealed 43 federal standard deficiencies and 68 state standard deficiencies. Read the full story in Thursday’s Wise County Messenger.

Here are the first victims of our government's budget cuts. The state will actually pay the temporary trustee enough money to operate it properly. I don't know who would even consider buying an operation dependant on Medicare/Medicaid for it's income...

Lame Pop term of the day: Christmas Eve Eve

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Christmas Eve Eve
The day before Christmas Eve, 2 days before Christmas.

Stay away from the malls on Christmas Eve Eve.

Today is Christmas Eve Eve.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Monica Bellucci

As the former owner of a Chinese Pug, I favor the breed and enjoy it’s adventurous attitude. Although, I don’t think I would want to adopt these two maneaters…
I have a problem many people wish they had... I upgraded to the latest and greatest iPhone and now must learn its latest and greatest functions. I love technology, but only after mastering the applications.
It's been a while since checking out iPhone apps and there are some really cool ones now. Scanner 911 lets me listen to Wise Co. SO, 5.0 MP Camera makes high resolution photos, Pandora gives me my favorite music at no cost, and Dragon turns my voice into text for messaging... I have not yet begun to defile myself!
In other high tech news, beginning January 11, 2010, Microsoft will no longer sell MS Word or MS Office. OUCH! It is highly recommended you purchase an extra copy or two just in case the issue isn’t resolved.
I’m thankful Washington says we are in the midst of economic recovery! We’re only up to 1 million forclosures per quarter, I feel so much more safe and secure.
Which reminds me, anyone needing a new 45" Plasma TV, let me know. I have 7 left, still in the box, straight off the truck. Truck for sale as well, no title. Cash only! Ask for Tyrone...

Introducing Jihadists to Allah

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Makes me all warm
and fuzzy inside...

Women over 50

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 22:30:00 +0000

As annoying as I believed Andy Rooney to be, it didn't stop him from making sense!

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think..

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest... They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one.. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize..

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

h/t AJ

Decatur gets "Bum Steer" award from Texas Monthly Magazine

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:40:00 +0000

BUM STEER – Decatur has been given a “Bum Steer” award by Texas Monthly magazine. On page 84 of the January issue, the magazine states “An exercise to test Decatur’s preparedness for swine flu outbreaks was canceled because of concerns over actual swine flu outbreaks.” The event the magazine refers to was actually a pandemic flu exercise conducted by the Cities Readiness Initiative that was canceled in May when fears about swine flu were at their peak. Wise County Messenger Update

Statewide media attention... THE HORROR!

Latest innovation to avoid embarrassing situations

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 18:30:00 +0000

Pop term of the day: Gift Parasite

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Gift Parasite

A person who adds their name to a gift tag in order to claim partial credit for giving the gift.

I'm totally broke so I had to be a gift parasite and sign on that present you're giving Grandma.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Daniella Cicarelli

The fire out at Runaway Bay on Saturday was a tragedy, yet Joe Duty found beauty in the chaos…
Sampson Park, Texas police force make national news with their ”Tickets for Tots” program. I like their style!
I'm so thankful that our federal government will only allow us to be held hostage on an airplane runway for 3 hours. When the cabin is 95° and an infant is smothering, it's good to know our government cares.
Helping people in Pakistan by declaring war allows the men to freely sell their women in open auction. I guess this would be considered promoting capitalism…
Last Thursday, our President, by Executive Order exempted Interpol from American laws.
“An INTERPOL branch in the US now cannot be searched, it's files are not subject to legal subpoena nor discovery. If any branch of government wants to keep documents out of the hands of the court system, just hand them over to INTERPOL until the smoke clears. INTERPOL will now be able to maintain files on US citizens.”

Which one would you choose?

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Promises Promises

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:30:00 +0000

Why do people continue
to trust and believe?

"sunlight is the greatest disinfectant"
that's why it smells like shit in Washington

Toon of the day

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:30:00 +0000

Pop term of the day: Christmasochist

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Christmasochist

Someone who continues to subject themselves to Christmas activities -- Secret Santa, carolling, etc. -- despite feeling painfully awkward at the event.

Ryan's uncomfortable laughter at the Secret Santa Pot Luck indicated he was an Christmasochist.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Doutzen Kroes

So you think your teenage daughter is an angel? She's intelligent, attractive and popular... but when you find this in her room (graphic), your world comes crashing in on you. Even worse if her friend posts it on Facebook for revenge. Everyone knows she whores around!
If there was ever any question about the vengeful nature of Asian women, all doubt is gone! Remind me not to piss one off!
I was heartbroken to find out that a long time family friend's wife left him; just packed up and moved out. He seemed devastated. They had been married 60 years. I take nothing for granted.
Would you look at the head on this!
Some of the most awesome Christmas lights submitted by readers of the NY Times. Not bad...
What happens when states have money problems? They release more prisoners they can’t afford to keep locked up.
Very few Americans care about what’s going on in Copenhagen with the Cap & Trade conference, but let me assure you, when we see $7.50 per gallon gasoline, that will change.
I keep wondering about the promise that no American making less than $250k per year would have a tax increase.

Don't think weed kills? Watch this guy die!

denneycrane@yahoo.com (Denney Crane) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:24:00 +0000

Boston Legal's Ass

Catholic Humor

Praise be to Allah

Toon of the day

Pop term of the day: santaclaustrophobia

Rambling on...

Priorities

Never Argue with a Woman

Toon of the day

Karma is a bitch

So, will you actually pretend to care?

Lame Pop term of the day: Christmas Eve Eve

Rambling on...

Introducing Jihadists to Allah

Women over 50

Decatur gets "Bum Steer" award from Texas Monthly Magazine

Latest innovation to avoid embarrassing situations

Pop term of the day: Gift Parasite

Rambling on...

Which one would you choose?

Promises Promises

Toon of the day

Top Stories of 2009

Pop term of the day: Christmasochist

Rambling on...

Don't think weed kills? Watch this guy die!